It’s been awhile. You’ll forgive me, of course.
When I first moved out on my own, my mom cleaned out her cupboards: the odd mismatched bowl set, couple coffee mugs, placemats that didn’t go with her kitchen anymore, and a few cookbooks. One caught my eye: “How to Feed a Family of 4 on Less Than $5 a Day.”
She was glad to be rid of it, and I was glad to just have “stuff.” I used that cookbook. Flipped through it a few times. I recognized some of the recipes and realized how often that book had fed me. We often had canned corn, Kraft Dinner, and weiners (cut diagonally, no idea why) with barbeque sauce. It felt like three days a week, every week. But maybe my mother was on to something…
Lately I’ve been watching smut flipping through channels, and notice so many of the talk shows lately are discussing the recession and how it’s affecting so many middle-class people. Last week, for example, Oprah and her designer, Nate something-or-other talked about affordable, easy solutions for redecorating a livingroom. Couple pillows, couple pictures, some furniture throws, a new rug, etc. I heard Oprah exclaim, “Wow.. you can redecorate your whole room for the price of a new pair of shoes!”
How much do you pay for your shoes, Oprah?
Today’s Dr. Phil just.. well, floored me. Another show on the recession featuring an “average” family “struggling” to make ends meet. They complained about how they used to drive a Mercedes and take vacations in Hawaii and Costa Rica and Venus and.. (I may have missed some of the destinations. Was searching for my violin.)
Eventually, I will get to my point. This “poor” mother had 2 children to feed, no income, and couldn’t quite grasp that she didn’t need 40 pairs of shoes. And didn’t need to keep buying toys. And didn’t need the handbags and closets of clothes while still shopping for more.
What blew me away, was when their “expert” took the mother grocery shopping, and explained to her that she needs to purchase things when they are on sale. (This was a brand new concept.) And that $1.50/lb was a really good deal for asparagas. And how she should stock up on avacados since they were only 33 cents each.
May I interject?
You’re idiots.
Really? Thirty three cents is a good price for an avocado? Umm.. I’m thinking if you’re poor and your children are starving and you can’t afford the gas to get to the store to buy your groceries, asparagus and avocados are the VERY LAST things you should be reaching for. Dr. Phil kept stressing that “it’s math — not magic,” and I agree. He also stressed that this family needs to go into “survival mode,” and I agree. But I also firmly believe that avocados are one of those mythical beasts that are only purchased by people who live in penthouses and can afford drycleaning and cocktail parties with those tiny swords.
AVOCADOS. Gah! No! No! No! I say again, No! What does that fruit do? For thirty three cents, it has a big pit in the middle and you have to add it to something. For thirty three cents, it will not fill you up.
I’ve never been so insulted by thirty three cents.
So… here is my challenge. We’re in survival mode. Let’s pretend we have two kids to feed. Let’s pretend our grocery budget is $1000 / year. Let’s pretend we don’t want to die of scurvy, and we never, ever want to go to bed hungry. Let’s pretend it’s math, not magic.
My friends have asked me how I prepare meals for under a dollar. Here are some tips, because many people just don’t get it:
Survival Mode (no particular order):
1. Pick a few things — no more than 5 — that would lead you to a new level of insane if they weren’t in the house. For example, I pick milk, margarine, coffee, and one other condiment (ketchup or mayo or soy sauce.. something like that). If you run out of one of these, you are in trouble. Ask for help.
2. Perishables get you in nothing but trouble. This is a big one. I do a “big” grocery-shop three times a year. Not so coincidentally, this is how often I have cash 
.. When you have the money, stock up. Cans, cans, cans. And as exciting as canned peas are.. well, we’re surviving, right? Canned and frozen fruits and vegetables are actually better for you than the fresh stuff you find in the supermarket, anyway. (They get frozen or canned within 48 hours of picking.. and there’s some chemical.. half-life thing going on here. It’s not a chemistry blog.) We do almost always have bananas and one other fresh fruit on hand.
3. Buy in bulk. Get cases of vegetables. Pick 2 or 3 you really think you can get comfortable with. Maybe peas. Maybe corn. Maybe frozen carrots. Canned peaches — whatever. Pick a few. You usually get a deal and can pick up most things for 50 cents per can if you buy say.. a dozen cans. Store them somewhere.
4. Consider alternates. This ties in nicely with “perishables are evil” or whatever I called it above. For example, we cover pasta with tomato or mushroom soup. It’s bland.. but again.. Oh! And instead of sour cream — $1 for 250g if you’re lucky — try Ranch dressing… which, if you’re lucky, is $1.50 for 750ml, lasts much, much longer in the fridge, and tastes kinda the same. Ish. You’ll find you’ll use less.
5. No eating out ever, at any time. No junk food. Nuff said.
6. Buy food as close to its natural form as possible. Potatoes are a great example. Buy a 20lb bag (let’s say there’s 40 potatoes / bag) for $5 (kinda perishable, but kinda not really). Or, buy a box of dehydrated “mashed” potatoes.. should last 4 meals for $3. Or swing by Mcdonalds, buy their fries.. the equivalent of one potato… you see where I”m going. It’s a little more work, but it’s math, not magic.
7. Pasta. Rice. Get used to them. Pasta is cheap. Cheap. And filling. You can get a kilogram of spaghetti for about a buck most days. Are you going to eat a dry kilogram in a sitting? No. And it lasts forever. (Til it starts to smell like paint. Notice?)
8. Get a deep freeze and a crock pot. Fill the deep freeze when you have the money. Buy bread. Lots of it. Seriously, Atkins be damned. A regular loaf of bread has 24 slices in it. Ugh. Let me get my calculator. At a respectable $1.50 / loaf, that’s about 6 cents a slice. And you can do what you want with the end pieces.
9. When you start to panic… make soup. Use that crock pot. Throw in some broth, diced tomatoes.. and then whatever you have left in the freezer. Rice, pasta, the lasts of the bags of frozen carrots, peas, potatoes, whatever. It should last you 4 days.
10. If you have to — HAVE TO — have that avocado.. buy it in season. And on sale. Maybe it’s on your list from 1.) *shudder*
11. (I didn’t want to have an 11. Ten was so nice.. like I had planned it or something) Two-ply is two-ply is two-ply. Go generic. Whenever you can. I do not recommend generic Cheerios.
12. (Ok, ok. Even dozen then.) This will be easier if you don’t eat meat, don’t eat a lot of meat, or can skip it for a little bit. Just while we’re surviving.
One more thing. I don’t buy expired — or nearly expired — stuff. And I never count milk in the cost. Milk is milk is milk. Kids need milk.. whatever the cost, and shouldn’t go without. Also, it’s first on my list in 1)… so nyah nyah 
So, some examples? We should finish the chapter with examples, before I send you on your way. All we do is a bit of division. (Oh, we can do this, Grasshopper. We can do this well.)
Breakfast –> Buy 12 eggs at $2. Eat two = 33cents. 2 toasts = 12 cents (as above). Sausages.. $5.75 for 48 (Freeze them!) Eat 2 = 24 cents. Make your own coffee (Ugh. What.. 6 bucks for.. *running upstairs to check.. damn you!*…. ) 6 bucks for about a kilogram.. each cup needs about a scoop.. so what are we saying here? Coffee is free if you make it at home? Let’s say it’s 10 cents / cup.
Breakfast = 69 cents. Shall we do lunch?
Lunch –> 1kg spaghetti for $1. Eat 1/5 of the bag (I’m not good at fractions. Let’s just roll with it) = 20 cents. Cream of mushroom soup (we can skip rule 11 here and actually get the good stuff if we buy in bulk… 12 cans for $6) = 50 cents. Canned fruit (to stave off scurvy) for 50 cents / can. Eat 1/2 can = 25 cents. Milk.
Lunch = 95 cents. I hope we’re getting the hang of this. Let’s go all out on supper, just in case.
Supper –> Pierogies. (Don’t know what those are? You haven’t lived.) We can buy a frozen bag (because we’re lazy.. just don’t tell my mom) of 2kg — roughly 24 for $2. Let’s eat 3 = 25 cents. (Also, I wish there were better formatting options here. This is getting messy.) Grab your favourite bag of frozen vegetables. Carrots? Peas? Peas and carrots? It gets bland. You’ll get used to it. Ok. We have our $2 bag of peas. Let’s eat ohh.. 1/8 of the bag = 25 cents. Grab a can of brown beans for 50 cents (good meat substitute) and eat 1/3 of it = 17 cents. Lastly, some Ranch (or whatever) dressing for the pierogies. Milk.
Supper = 67 cents.
There. We ate. We saw food groups. No one died.
Try it! Start with 10 dollars and see how long you can last. Let me know how you do. You’ll find the more people you feed (ohh.. that bulk thing again), the cheaper the meals get. I’ve been doing this 12 years, so I want to say I’m pretty good at it. But don’t mind me. It’s just.. survival
